24 hours ago if you would have asked me "Annie, do you think you'll pass your thesis defense on Thursday?" I would have, though hesitantly, replied "probably. I think I will." Now I'm not so sure. I have to be ready to fail. Why?
I FINALLY got feedback from my thesis from my advisor this morning, less than 24 hours to go til defense...she said she's going to have me rework "at LEAST" the first 20 pages because they are "rough." Um. I wish I would have known this, say, this past weekend or something to where I actually could have DONE something about it before defending.
She doesn't know about the rest of it. I wanted to smash my head on the wall which my arm was at that point shakily resting on. I was so flustered I didn't know what to say. Not the news you want to get less than a day to go...whatever little confidence I had has since disappeared.
I sent a note to my two other committee members confirming tomorrow and letting them know I was already reworking my thesis, that I'm a bit wordy so any advice in that regard would be appreciated. I received one reply back that she mostly had editorial revisions that could easily be completed by my deadline (August 8th). So, that sounds kinda good. The other, the one who could potentially have the most to say regarding my arguments, just said that she has my defense date on her calendar and that she'll see me tomorrow. I won't go into all the possibilities that brief reply could mean.
So I seriously have to ready myself for the possibility I will be the second person in 4 years to fail their defense in my department. Never thought it would be me. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have so much financially riding on tomorrow. I was hoping my company would hire me full time after I got my MA. I cannot afford the tuition for the fall ($2500) re-enroll so I can defend again. If I don't pass tomorrow I have to take a leave of absence from my program and come back to defend when I have the money to pay for the 3 graduate credits I need (stupid that you have to enroll to defend). If I pass with major revisions (which I think is my best hope right now) I can always take an incomplete if I don't finish them by the August 8th deadline. Not to mention the humiliation of facing not only my friends on Friday but my coworkers and my boss. I almost wish that no one knew I was defending tomorrow but it's too late now.
At any rate. I'm NOT being overly hard on myself when I say I might not pass. I'm not looking for "oh don't worry so much you'll do great." I'm seriously worried about this and this could be a very real possibility for me.
So right now I'm going back through my entire thesis and re-editing, so I can at least show them the changes I've made during my defense tomorrow. I only got to proofread it once, and am quickly realizing that working those 40-50 hours for three weeks straight right after school got out would have been much better spent working on the thesis instead of cramming it into a few weeks intermingled with going into the office. Proofreading ONCE is NOT enough. I do have major grammar errors...and am moving a couple paragraphs to another section or two. If someone has major issues with my arguments, that'll be the end of it. No way I'll pass with argument problems combined with grammar. There are some professors who do not like the way I write...I was trained by Classical archaeologists who are wordy, convoluted and verbose in language. That's me!
I've never written ANYTHING for two of the professors on my committee. Oy vey. What was I THINKING?!?!?!?
I think I'll go smash my head on that wall now.
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