I've been reflecting a lot on where I've come and the direction that I am heading. Finishing the MA, looking to moving in the next year and a half or so (and wondering when to put the condo on the market), new jobs, old friends, it's all amazing really.
For those of you who knew me in high school or even college for that matter, I've come through so many changes it's unreal. High school I was a band geek who dedicated herself to sucking up to the popular kids and trying to be the best at everything. I had to have a 4.0, had to be first chair in band, had to have the best grade on a test, which came somewhat easy. I quit anything that became difficult...sports, band after my shoulder injury. Went through an amazing relationship with a fabulous guy, only to rebound with a a total asshole who was emotionally abusive. And I abused myself. I became anorexic, which was the hardest thing I ever did since my normal tendency was to overeat. While I wasn't a cutter, I would burn my arms with various things, curling iron, hair dryer, on the stove, iron, etc. Luckily those scars have faded, both emotionally and physically.
College came on and I threw myself into religion. I was still in recovery for anorexia and it seems like a logical thing to do. And i felt it in my heart too. I had always believed it in high school, but never internalized it until U of M. Went to Campus Crusade for Christ, church every Sunday. Felt guilty when things went to far with B, so we would pray and ask for forgiveness. I never partied, never did drugs, never got drunk. Ever. Graduation came, and things got rough. Needless to say, four years later, as much as I was dedicated to Christianity and felt it would always be a part of me, I'm now an atheist. While I'd never look down on anybody for believing that way or whatever religious views someone may hold, I feel so free of the guilt and utter oppression I experienced. It'll be hard when B and I start having kids and folks realize we will not raise our kids in a church or any other religious ideology. We'll teach them about various religions in order for them to understand the world at large. But as for a "god," nope. While they may come to that understanding later in life, in all gut-wrenching honesty, I'd be severely disappointed if they came to choose Christianity. Hard to say, but true.
And here I stand, atheist (unbeknownst to most family) with tattoos and a life that would be utterly disappointed to most who knew me early on in life. Yet I'm completely content. I'm happy and finally comfortable in my own skin. I played roller derby for two years, almost broke my boss' nose with a roller skate to the face. I wasn't the best at derby, but I stuck with it, which was the first time I've ever done that. My retirement came because my job isn't conducive to derby and its practice requirements.
My tattoos are me, despite the "self punishment" my mother thinks I'm doing to myself. I'm drawing my next tattoo right now. I plan on having a tombstone, like the old 17th century, New England grave markers, with the personification of death resting next to it (skeleton). On it I'll be putting my favorite quote: "O my soul! Do not aspire to immortal life, but exhaust the limits of the possible." To me it represents the futility of life and the finality of death. Thus I have to make my life the best I can because it's all I get. When I was a Christian I worried too much about the afterlife and not enough about the day at hand. We live, we die, we rot. There's nothing wrong with that. So make the best you can now.
I have a full time job where I can goof off with coworkers, be frank about life, and otherwise have a good time while getting dirty. I'm finally getting this thesis in order (turned in revisions Friday, hoping to be done) and a PhD is nowhere in site for me. I don't judge success by the number of letters after my name. M.A. is just fine. I've been working backstage for a burlesque troupe for the past year, and I've learned so much. They are a bunch of women who still have their own body image issues, but are willing to get up on stage and bare it all. They've taught me a lot about confidence. I've realized how sexually repressive my religious upbringing truly was. I can accept myself as a sexual human being without feeling guilty.
I have an amazingly supportive partner in life. B is the coolest guy around. Extremely intelligent, honest, blunt, and way too logical (to the point of being annoying sometimes) and he's kick ass to get drunk with.
All in all I've learned that life is too short to worry about certain things. Of course we all have concerns that are valid and need to be addressed. But stuff like tattoos...jeez. Who cares what I'll think in 30 years. Why do I need to live my life worrying what I might think when I'm fifty? When I hit fifty, what if I regret not getting those tattoos and enjoying them? What then?
Another thing I've learned. Marriage isn't forever. Marriage is for an indefinite amount of time. You may last til you die, or you may only last a handful of years. People grow, change, and become different. When you realize that being married isn't a guarantee of lifelong happiness and companionship, you start to appreciate your spouse a lot more and you don't take them for granted. Never stop dating your spouse. Don't get lazy and have that "well, they married me they are stuck with me" attitude. Keep trying to catch their attention and impress them, like you did when you were dating. I see too many relationships where both just fall into this mundane day after day cycle of boredom and stay that way because it is comfortable. Listen to these sex show or read those articles in all those magazines. "How do I tell my boyfriend/husband that I'm not getting fulfilled when we have sex?" Uh, "hey honey, you aren't getting me off like I want." How's that? I'm amazed by how little people actually talk about what makes them happy to their partner/spouse/girl or boy friend. Good god just say it. I am by no means an expert, but I've learned a thing or two.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough. Kind of an odd blog for me...maybe I said too much but...hell, don't read it then.
xoxo.
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