It's amazing how often you have to go through the darkness to see the light, climb the mountain to appreciate the view, weather the storm to sail through still seas, etc. Perhaps cliche, but oh so true. You often have to go through some really crappy stuff in order to get what you want out of life.
I went through an interesting marriage, while not in any way horrible, it was a struggle for both, especially him. I admire him so much for sticking with it for so long...you can't blame a man for his wants and desires. When it comes down to it, I do feel like a failure. My marriage failed and flopped. I do not regret it. I can't, it's made me who I am today. We had some great times over the almost 9 years we shared.
And then the trouble came. I escaped north in hopes of being rescued. That was my first mistake. My second was not seeing the manipulation, it started before I even moved up here. I moved into a house that I should not have. I should have found my own place, established myself first before trying to get into a relationship. We tried to have a partnership, but how can you when two people are so unevenly tied together that you end up tangled?
Looking back, it wasn't really much of a relationship. We did a lot for each other in the beginning...but when I really look back, it was rough from the start. We didn't even stand a chance. I appreciate him in the good things he did and tried to do. I acknowledge the hardships he had, they were legitimate and I'd never try to explain away their impact on his life. But he truly needs to figure out what he wants for himself. I am not what he wants. And he is not what I want. We tried and it didn't work out. So we've got to move forward, in opposite directions, despite the fact he's trying to hold on to something that isn't there.
You were the one that wanted me to leave. You were the one that yelled and screamed at me that you hated me, thought I cheated on you, and otherwise told me that I make you miserable month after month. Yes, it was your attempt to force me to change. You know what? I don't need to change. I can function in reality, despite the fact that you say otherwise. Overall, you blame me for everything, though I believe now you may be able to see a bit where you come into play. It's too late. It's over and done. I have moved on.
Don't feel sorry for me or worry about me in the world. You say that people will take advantage of me. I'm smarter than that. You say that I cannot handle the real world. You call this town the real world? Try living somewhere else for awhile, in a more normal town under more normal circumstances and you might change your tune. You were right, we did not have a relationship and it hasn't been as such in a very long time. But we are through. I will never move back to that house, I will never likely live in that town again. I will not get a house with you down the hill. I will not try to work on a relationship that isn't there just because you don't want me to be with anyone else.
Newsflash...I am with someone else. And I never cheated on you, so don't even start. All those accusations, the horrible names, the turbulent nights I spent crying, cowering, sobbing are over. It's time that I seek out my own happiness on my terms. Not someone else's.
No more escaping. No more running. I'm making my life what I want, I'm heading in the direction that is best for me, not following someone else and hoping it works out there for me.
No rainbows without rain. I've been through the rain. I am beginning to see my rainbow...
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