At 29, I've had a lot of experience, but also very little at the same time. I've had a hard life than some I know, but then again, I've had a much easier cruise through than years than others I've met along the way. I've had my share of ups and downs, wandering through the rapids and the calm waters. Recently (over the past two years) it feels like I've hit nothing but white waves that seem to love nothing more than to toss me on the rocks every once in a while, more often as of late. Those rocks were threatening to sink me in all that I was, forcing me to wander the shore lost, as a mere fraction of the happy person I used to be.
Then, I turn a bend and the waters begin to calm a bit. Not a lot at first, but even though it's still choppy right now, I am hoping beyond hope there's tranquil sailing ahead for me. And I know I need to let myself drift where it is leading me. I need to put down my defenses, all my hurts, all my pain from those rough waters and just *be.*
I hope I can do that. I hope I can not anticipate horrible things, failure or hardship because I think I deserve it. I automatically believe that things won't work out because I'm somehow being punished for the decisions I've made. Don't I deserve happiness? Am I asking for too much?
What do I want? I want a home, a fantastic relationship with a man who adores me and takes me for everything --the good and the bad, I want a second honeymoon, I want children, a dog, a few cats, a job I love and enjoy doing. I want to get up in the morning, happy to be there, happy to be heading out into the world to make a difference. I want walks in the neighborhood on a Sunday morning. I want to sing in the shower again. I want to dance in the park. I want late night conversations where the hours just seem to fly by because you are so engrossed in each other that you just don't care what time it is. I want to be wanted for who I am, not criticized for who I am not.
I am burlesque, roller derby, hoop dancing, and music. I am devoted, caring, and loyal. I am much more than my mistakes or my flaws.
I want someone to love me. I want to love someone in return. I want peace, tranquility, a routine. I want someone who has goals, ambition, who knows what he wants in life and he knows he wants someone like me, even thought I'm not perfect. I want him to love the imperfect me. I want to be part of his desires, of his thoughts during the day. I want him to look forward to coming home at night because I am there and happy when he wakes up next to me. I want someone to commit, to not give up on me because it gets hard. It's not a fairytale, it's reality. I want someone who can deal with reality and work through the tough times.
Is that too much?
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